Divorce due to infidelity is an extremely common occurrence in most societies, and the issue, while often heart-breaking, usually ends in couples going their separate ways.
There are, of course, cases where spouses work through the issues and stay married.
But unless one of the parties is on social media and gains a following from talking about their experiences – or exposing their cheating partner, the issue does not really gain mass attention. That is, unless it happens in high-profile marriages– like those of Springbok rugby player Elton Jantjies and former South African soccer player Matthew Booth.
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Both men are in the news at the same time due to their respective affairs with other women.
While Sonia Booth has not made it clear whether she will forgive her husband and work on the marriage – especially since she is still livid about him making cheesecake for his other woman, Jantjies’ wife Iva Ristic has stated that she “will never be romantically involved” with her husband again.
But does this mean she will divorce or separate from him, or perhaps keep maintaining a joint, co-parenting environment at home? If she embarks on the latter, it will not be an uncommon situation.
Brian* and Carol* were married for nine years before their marriage broke down, due in some part – but not the main factor – to infidelity. However, two years later, they are still living together, although they have not shared a bedroom for three years.
“We made the decision to co-habit primarily for two reasons: money and children,” Carol says.
The couple has two young children and neither party wants to not be involved in their kids’ daily lives. They also do not have the finances to live their same quality of life on their own as that would mean paying two sets of rent or home loans, plus grocery costs, and water and electricity.
“The situation at home is amicable,” Brian says.
“We co-parent the kids and run the home together, which makes it easier on both of us, and the kids at least have both their parents together.”
On this situation, however, a psychologist notes that it may not actually be good for the children as the idea of a marriage where there is not intimacy, physical contact, or one bedroom for their parents becomes “normalised” in their eyes. This could affect their future relationships.
Another couple, Rebecca* and Clive*, remain married and living together, although they do not love each other romantically. Even while one of the parties cheated and continued a year-and-a-half-long relationship with someone else, they continued living together “for the sake of” their young son.
And then you have the case of Steve* and Laura* who are in fact divorced, have no children together, but still share a home.
“It is just a decision that works best for us,” Steve says.
“We recently moved to another country together, and getting started there was tough. We found a home to rent and are still helping each other get settled into our new work and general life routines.”
Laura adds: “We actually need each other, both from a lifestyle perspective and a financial one. But we are lucky because we are still good friends. We get on better now than we did when we were married.”
While these above situations sound like they may actually work, many problems can arise.
Randi Gunther, a clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor, says that there are four main reasons of concern for couples who are divorced and/or separated, but still live together.
Writing for psychologytoday.com, she says there are four areas that seem to become the most problematic.
“If couples can talk them out in advance and make plans to negotiate their difficulties, they have a much better chance of turning a potentially draining or explosive situation into one that has the best chance of working.”
These issues are:
1. Other relationships
When one of the partners starts a new relationship, the other often feels distressed. It can be “an often anguishing and difficult process”.
“In some cultures, that is not so much of a problem. The men and women in ongoing, committed relationships are allowed private, tacit alternative relationships as long as the family is respected and remains the first priority. That doesn’t mean it is always preferable or even easy, but it is allowed.”
In cultures where external relationships are not supported, it is a much more difficult situation to navigate when divorced couples still inhabit the same space.
There is also the concern when one party becomes involved in a new relationship with someone who will not accept their co-living arrangement.
2. Sharing resources
She says successfully committed couples willingly share their resources and do everything they can to be fair in the process. When a committed relationship fails, however, those priorities will change.
“Some couples do not legally divorce because they want to continue to share a resource, such as medical insurance. They agree to the terms of the divorce but do not make it legally binding. Others don’t want to be responsible for debts that the other might incur during the time they are still together. Agreeing on how, when, and why the resources should be redistributed is a crucial issue.”
3. Public versus private
When people decide their relationship is over but remain living together, they have to agree on who to tell and when. Gunther says both partners will need others to fill the needs they now lack and are likely to reach out to family and trusted friends for support.
“Yet, many couples prefer to keep their agreement private to lessen the negative impact that divorce can have on employers, social groups, or any other potential influences.
“Divorced couples do not have the same social status in most societies as those who stay together.”
4. The relationship itself
The ways in which they resolved their relationship issues before they decided to part makes a significant difference in how they interact afterward, she says.
“Those behaviours cover the span from resentful co-existing relationships to caring friendships that are mutually respectful and supportive.
“Those couples who have children must decide on what, or whether, to tell them. They have to have a common story that can explain why they are sleeping in separate rooms, disappear for days at a time, or never exhibit love or affection towards each other.”
Do they wash their own cars, buy their own food, share the cost of maintenance and services, have assigned times to have separate friends over? How do they share emergency responses, medical bills, gifts for others, extended family rituals? How do they expect others to participate in their unique arrangements without taking sides or trying to exert unwanted influence? How do they remain a functioning partnership knowing they are not going to spend their lives together forever?
These are among the issues such couples need to navigate, Gunther says.
On legal website hg.org, family law attorney Rudolf A Jaworski Jr says that, with the current economy, more people are finding it difficult not only to sell the family home without taking a big loss, but also to even afford to live on their own without a second income.
“While divorce rates tend to rise during down economies, during the recent recession there has been a new trend: more couples are choosing to live together after the divorce. Some couples choose to do this for the sake of their children, but more divorced couples are doing this out of financial necessity.
“Rather than take a big loss on the house, ex-spouses are deciding to jump from marriage partners to roommates, hoping that the economy and the housing market will turn around and they can sell the home sooner rather than later.”
Problems that can arise, however, include:
- How will the house be divided up? Will each spouse have possession over certain rooms? How will common areas be divided?
- Who will pay for the household expenses, including groceries, utilities, mortgage and property taxes?
- Who will pay for maintenance and repairs for the home?
- Will the former spouses be allowed to date other people? Will those dates be allowed in the home?
- How long will the living arrangement last? Is there an end-date?
- What will happen if one spouse wants to leave the home?
Legally, he says, the issues can be even more complex.
- Will one spouse pay the other child support and/or alimony?
- How do spouses divide any increase or decrease in the value of home if it sells after the divorce is finalised?
- Who pays for any damage done to the home before the divorce is finalised?
“Legally, it is important to settle all issues concerning the family home before the divorce is finalised. If one spouse is going to remain in the home and pay for all the expenses, will the non-paying spouse receive any of the proceeds when the house finally sells? What happens if the house is sold at a loss or at a gain? How will this be allocated?”
Other practical issues to navigate include whether the ex-partners spend family time together outside of the home, run personal errands for each other, eat meals together, or perhaps even cook – or bake cheesecake, for one another.
* Names changed for privacy
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