Valentine’s Day may have come and gone but let’s be honest, love isn’t a one-day-only special.
Relationships, especially long-term ones, require ongoing care, attention and a little bit of magic to keep the spark alive. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why passion fades over time or why intimacy feels more like a chore than an adventure, you’re not alone.
Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel, one of the most sought-after relationship experts, has spent decades studying desire in long-term relationships. Lucky for us, she’s sharing some practical insights on how to reignite eroticism, deepen intimacy and bring back the thrill of connection.
Sex vs. eroticism: what’s the real difference?
According to Perel, sex is biological but eroticism is psychological. It’s not just about physical intimacy; it’s about imagination, curiosity, and playfulness.
Think about it this way: sex is something you do.
Eroticism is a feeling of aliveness it’s about energy, anticipation and connection. So, the key to better, not just more, sex isn’t about fancy techniques or adding toys (although, if that’s your thing, go for it!).
Instead, it’s about cultivating presence, playfulness and pleasure.
Why long-term couples fall into ‘erotic flatness’
Ever heard someone say: “Let’s just do it and get it over with”? Or maybe: "My partner scratches my back for 10 seconds and thinks I'm ready”? That’s what Perel calls "erotic flatness" when intimacy becomes predictable, routine and lacks energy and imagination.
The truth is, passion doesn’t die because we stop loving each other it fades when we stop being curious about each other. It’s easy to fall into autopilot, especially with work stress, kids and life’s daily responsibilities.
But eroticism requires intentional effort.
Breaking free from ‘maintenance sex’.
If sex has started feeling like another item on your to-do list, don’t panic because this is normal! The good news? You don’t have to accept it as your new reality.
In an interview with "Goop", Perel suggested changing the conversation around intimacy. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, start asking different questions: "I turn myself off when..."I turn myself on when...", "I feel most connected to you when...".
These prompts shift the focus from problems to individual responsibility for desire. Instead of saying: "You don’t turn me on anymore," ask yourself,:“What do I need to feel excited and connected? "How to invite eroticism back into your relationship
Expand your definition of intimacy
Sex isn’t just about physical acts, it’s about breath, eye contact, deliberate touch, trust-building, and emotional connection. Try slowing down and focusing on sensory experiences how does your partner’s skin feel? How do they smell? What happens when you hold eye contact for just a little longer? Play more, worry less.
Seriousness kills desire. When was the last time you and your partner laughed during intimacy? Playfulness, teasing and unpredictability bring back excitement. Maybe it’s a shared joke, a spontaneous dance in the kitchen, or a flirtatious text during the day. Use storytelling to spark fantasy.
Perel often recommends her "Where Should We Begin?" card game to open up new conversations about desire. Try questions like: “A text message I fantasize receiving…”
“The most sensual experience I’ve had without having sex…”Opening up about fantasies (even in a lighthearted way) creates emotional intimacy and brings new energy into the relationship.
Feeling anxious about talking to your partner? Start here:Let’s be real talking about sex can feel awkward, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve had an open conversation about intimacy. Perel suggests starting from a place of longing, not criticism. Instead of saying: “You never initiate sex anymore.”
Try: “I miss feeling close to you in that way.”And instead of focusing on what’s missing, explore what you want: “I’d love it if we could bring more playfulness into our intimacy. ”A great way to ease into these conversations is through non-verbal connection.
Try placing your partner’s hand somewhere on your body where it feels safe and good then guide them to another place. This encourages giving and receiving without pressure, making intimacy feel like an exploration rather than a task.
The power of "receiving" and "sharing" in love
Perel’s work emphasises that love and desire are shaped by language.
Two essential verbs in relationships are: To receive: Are you comfortable receiving love, touch and attention?
To share: How openly do you share your needs, emotions and desires? Take a moment to reflect: Which of these comes naturally to you?
Which one feels more challenging?
How can you practice receiving or sharing more in your relationship?
Desire doesn’t disappear in long-term relationships it just needs to be nurtured differently. Keeping intimacy exciting isn’t about drastic changes or unrealistic expectations; it’s about small, intentional efforts that build emotional and erotic connections over time.
A fulfilling love life isn’t about perfection it’s about choosing to show up, stay curious and keep exploring each other.