How to cope with grief during family celebrations
Image: Ketut Subiyanto /Pexels
As the calendar flips from May into the heart of the year, South Africans enter a season of high-stakes milestones.
We have just tucked away the Mother’s Day cards, and already shopfronts are pivoting to Father's Day displays, while social media feeds prepare for the inevitable wave of caps and gowns during winter graduation season.
On the surface, these days are a whirlwind of noisy restaurant bookings and family WhatsApp photo dumps. But for many, this isn't a holiday season; it’s a calendar minefield.
Behind the smiling family photos is another South African one where celebrations feel painfully quiet.
It’s the graduate staring at a "Reserved" seat that will stay empty. It's the silent phone on a Sunday afternoon. In a country where loss is woven into our fabric through death, migration, divorce, and unemployment, these milestones don’t just mark time; they often reopen half-healed wounds.
"Independent Media Lifestyle" spoke to Dr Colinda Linde, a clinical psychologist and chairperson of the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG), about the "empty chair" that accompanies families during these celebrations.
“In everyday life, grief rarely looks the way movies tell us it should," explained Linde. Sometimes it looks like functioning perfectly normally while carrying a quiet ache no one else can see.”
This reality resonates deeply in a culture where many are expected to “be strong". But according to Linde, the idea of "moving on" is a damaging myth. Instead, she suggests creating private rituals that allow connection to remain alive, shifting the focus from public expectations to personal meaning.
If the world’s celebrations feel too loud right now, consider these ways to reclaim your peace:
Acknowledge the "anticipatory ache": Often, the build-up to the day is more exhausting than the day itself. Recognise that feeling "off" or irritable in the week leading up to a milestone is a normal response to an emotional cue.
You are not obligated to attend every brunch or scroll through every feed. If staying off social media or skipping a family gathering protects your mental health, that is a valid choice. Setting boundaries is an act of self-preservation.
Lean on "chosen family": For those navigating estrangement or migration, the biological family may not be an option. Connect with friends, colleagues, or community members who witness your experience without trying to "fix" it.
Instead of following a cultural script that doesn't fit, Linde recommends "rituals of connection" tailored to your unique situation:
Graduation without a parent: Carry a small memento (a photo or piece of jewellery) in your pocket as you cross the stage to acknowledge they are part of your achievement.
Sometimes, the kindest ritual is choosing not to participate. If skipping the family brunch or staying off Instagram protects your peace, that is a valid way to honour your journey.
“Genuine support looks like presence without pressure. Most people don’t need to be cheered up; they need their experience to be witnessed without anyone trying to tidy it up.”
If you are struggling to navigate the upcoming holidays, support is available. Contact the SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline at 0800 567 567 or visit their website for local support group information.