When success at work means silence at home: the emotional toll of the 'married single mom'

When I first heard the term "married single mom", my brain froze until it suddenly made perfect sense.

It’s a phrase that’s quietly making its way into conversations from WhatsApp groups to dinner tables across the globe. It describes mothers who are married yet still carry the lion’s share of household responsibilities: from knowing what veggies the kids like to remembering when the next doctor’s visit is due.

And it’s not about men being bad partners, it’s about something deeper, wired into how many men navigate the shift from the boardroom to the living room.

Author Eszter Zsiray sums it up perfectly in "Aligning IT and Motherhood": “Most of the people in our circle are married single moms.”

This is not a male-bashing piece. It’s a real look at why so many high-performing men are so switched on at work, yet so switched off at home and why families keep paying the price.

A tale as old as time, still playing out in modern homes

Picture Sihle and Luthando, a typical middle-class couple in Joburg’s leafy suburbs. Both work full-time. Luthando tweaks her job to be closer to the kids’ school. Sihle sticks to his demanding corporate path. He earns more. She picks up the kids. He logs late hours at the office. She does bedtime.

Fair trade? Maybe. But scratch beneath the surface, and it’s Luthando who knows the dentist appointments, the shoe sizes, who needs a new sports kit. Sihle’s brain is still back in the boardroom, even when he’s at the dinner table. Get the gist? 

The psychology behind the homework switch-off

Psychologists say it’s not about men being lazy. It’s about deeply ingrained patterns that many don’t even see.

Men compartmentalise responsibility

Psychotherapist Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., explained in "The Atlantic" that men often “box” responsibilities.

Compartmentalisation is the mind’s way of putting work and home life into separate mental “boxes”. At work, everything feels urgent and measurable. At home, there’s no boss, no deadline, and no KPI (key performance indicator) to track whether the laundry was folded.

So, the brain labels it as downtime even if the family’s needs remain pressing.

The breadwinner blueprint

Another big factor is the classic “provider” mindset. Traditional masculinity still shapes how many men see their role: bringing home a paycheck is the ultimate family duty.

Everything else, school projects, doctor’s visits, and meal plans, often get subconsciously filed as “not my department.

In a 2019 study from "Sociology Compass", researchers found that men who identified strongly with the breadwinner role spent significantly less time on childcare and household tasks even when both partners worked full-time.

Selective blindness

A social study found that women are far more likely to spot and feel responsible for household chores. Men’s brains, conditioned over time, often filter out visual cues like crumbs, dishes, or unfolded clothes, so the need remains invisible.

It’s not about being careless; it’s about what the mind has been trained to detect.

Workaholic drain

Some men aren’t just coasting, they’re exhausted. Research shows that fathers deeply driven by work often experience high work-to-family conflict. After burning every ounce of energy at the office, there’s little left for home.

They don’t see themselves as lazy; they see themselves as spent. And because the workplace rewards this sacrifice (through promotions, praise, and financial security), the cycle quietly continues.

The tank’s empty by the time they get home. They mistake constant busyness for productivity, leaving no energy for bedtime stories or dishes.

Lack of a clear structure at home

At work, Sihle thrives because expectations are clear: deliver the report, close the deal, manage the team. At home, no HR policy tells him to check the kids’ lunchboxes.

Many men struggle when tasks aren’t spelt out. Home life needs self-motivation and emotional labour, which are harder to measure than sales targets.

Home life demands self-motivation, a skill work often doesn’t teach.

The real-world impact of the rise of the “married single mom”

When these patterns repeat daily, one partner carries the hidden mental load alone. “It’s not the housework alone, it’s the planning, the remembering, the anticipating. That’s the burnout factor.” It also shapes how kids see gender roles.

What can you do 

• Talk about it.
• Experts agree: awareness is the first step. Couples who openly discuss the mental load and divide it consciously see real shifts.
• See the unseen.
• Psychologists recommend making the invisible visible. Write down who does what. Agree on shared tasks.
• Value emotional labour.
• Bringing home a salary doesn’t cancel out the need to show up emotionally and practically.
• Restructure home like work.

Some couples borrow from project management, family calendars, shared to-do lists, and even weekly check-ins.

If you’re a driven man reading this, pause. You don’t need to clone your workplace hustle at home, but you do need to show up. Not because you’re helping your partner. Because you’re parenting and adulting too.

The "married single mom" phenomenon isn’t just a private frustration; it can strain relationships, deepen gender inequality at home, and even affect children, who learn what partnership looks like by watching their parents.