Finding light in the darkness: healing from grief and survivor's guilt

The world feels heavy right now. Across newsfeeds and neighbourhoods, stories of sudden loss remind us how fragile life is.

In September, a family was left torn apart beyond imagination. Three sisters were driving home from a cousin’s graduation party when tragedy struck.

Two of them, Cassidy and Connor Moodley, didn’t survive the crash. Their older sister, Storm, badly injured but alive, managed to call their mother with the help of a stranger.

Days later, she left the hospital carrying the weight of unimaginable grief, the burden of surviving when her sisters did not.

In another part of the world, a young man in India, Vishwashkumar Ramesh, faced the same cruel reality. He was the sole survivor of an Air India crash, left to bury his brother while questioning why he lived and his sibling did not.

These are not just news stories; they speak to a universal human experience, grief, and the haunting guilt of survival. How do families find a way forward when the pain feels too much to carry? And how can survivors learn to live with both loss and life?

When grief and survival collide

Grief is never straightforward, and when survival is involved, it becomes even more complex if parents have to be emotionally incongruent, where they feel devastated but must appear steady for the surviving child, registered counsellor Mellisa Smith told Independent Media Lifestyle.

Parents who lose a child while still caring for another often describe feeling “torn in two”.

According to Smith, they face what psychologists call the Dual Process Model, constantly switching between mourning the child who has died and staying strong for the one who survived.

This back-and-forth is exhausting, often leading to emotional numbness, sleep problems, memory lapses and even marital conflict.

For survivors themselves, particularly young people, the emotions can be equally overwhelming. Survivor’s guilt is not just “feeling bad”. It can manifest as:

• Persistent self-blame and “what if” thoughts.
• Nightmares and intrusive flashbacks.
• Withdrawing from friends and activities.
• Risky behaviour or self-punishment.

“Young children may believe they somehow caused the death,” Smith explains. “Adolescents may hide their grief, turning instead to substances or risky behaviour. Without support, survivor’s guilt can turn into depression or post-traumatic stress.”

How you can support a grieving family

Grief is deeply personal, but there are practical ways families can support each other while navigating loss:

Validate the guilt: Saying, “It makes sense you feel this way,” helps survivors feel less alone.

Correct the blame: Gently explain that they didn’t cause the tragedy. For teens, structured therapy such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help reframe these thoughts.

Keep routines: Predictability, meals, school runs, bedtime rituals provide comfort in chaos.

Model emotions: When parents allow themselves to cry or show sadness, it teaches children that grief is survivable.

Balance memory and recovery: Sharing stories of the person lost can be healing, but it’s also important to protect survivors from being overwhelmed.

Seek professional help: Evidence-based therapies like Trauma-Focused CBT (TF-CBT) for children and Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT) for adults have been shown in clinical trials to reduce long-term psychological harm.

What not to say to a grieving family

Pressuring quick “return to normal” or minimising the loss.

• Force memorials or public rituals when family members prefer privacy.
• Invasive inquiries or gossiping about the circumstances of the death (especially after traumatic deaths).
• Expect parents to be the sole emotional resource for the surviving child without offering practical help.

Registered Counsellor Vanishaa Gordhan-Narotam adds that parental grief is particularly complicated because it feels “unnatural” to bury a child.

“Parents live in two worlds at once, she explains. They’re grateful for the child who survived, but devastated by the one they lost. That emotional conflict can trigger guilt, especially when moments of joy return, like seeing an injured child recover.”

Often, parents push aside their own pain to stay strong for others. But Gordhan-Narotam warns that unresolved grief in parents can spill into a surviving child’s emotional recovery, leaving them feeling abandoned or unsupported.

“Community support can either heal or harm. Pushing families to ‘move on’ too quickly or gossiping about the circumstances can deepen trauma. What grieving families need most is patience, respect, and steady presence,” explains Smith.

Choosing healing over silence

Grief and survivor’s guilt are part of the human story, but they don’t have to be carried in silence. Professional support, compassionate communities, and small daily steps toward healing make it possible to live with loss without being defined by it.

“Grief isn’t linear,” Gordhan-Narotam reminds us. “Some days bring tears, others bring relief or even laughter. All of it is valid. What matters is permitting yourself to feel, and not carrying it alone.”

For survivors and families, healing is not about forgetting; it’s about learning to live with both love and loss, side by side.

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief or suicidal thoughts, seek immediate support. In South Africa, call the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) on 0800 567 567. International readers can find crisis lines via Befrienders Worldwide.